What is heartbreak?

5 Jun

Heartbreak is knowing that you’re not enough for someone you love. It’s knowing that no matter what, there is an evil force in their lives that will always win out.

It’s knowing that the person will never change until they want to do it for themselves. It’s knowing that sometimes it takes something so horrible to happen for that person to finally want to change for him/herself.

Heartbreak is knowing that despite how much two people may love each other, it’s just not enough.

It’s seeing your children crying, hurt and upset and knowing that there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s knowing that this really is for the best, even though it may not seem like it. It’s hoping that some day they understand and can forgive you for putting them through this.

Heartbreak is fearing that your boys will end up treating their wives this way, and that your daughter will find a partner who treats her this way.

It’s feeling so empty and alone (even though you’re not) because the place in your heart where the love from your marriage is supposed to be is empty.

Heartbreak is knowing that your husband is lying to himself and to you and that he may have feelings for someone else. But also knowing that you have felt the same way about others in the past.

It’s being in the position of even thinking about having to call the police on your husband. It’s walking into the ER and telling the front desk people that you fell. It’s having to tell the nurse and doctor that you didn’t fall.

Heartbreak is seeing your husband act so evil that you know it’s not him, but also knowing that there is no turning back…for you or for him. That even though things never went that far before, you know you can’t be one of those women who say, “Oh, that wasn’t him…I’m going to give him another chance.”

It’s knowing that there won’t be another chance. It’s knowing that you are choosing to tell a select group of people to help keep you strong and unwavering in your decision, even if it means their relationship with him is ruined.

A friend of mine told me that cars, money and houses are just things…not a reason to stay together, which of course is true but still a reality that people have to face. People say that divorce is hard and scary. I’m sure it’s hard, but I wouldn’t say I’m scared. I know I can work and raise my kids by co-parenting. It’s not scary, it’s sad. It’s sad to think of missed family holidays, missed moments together, knowing that you’re finally at a place in your life to celebrate (work, house, kids) and yet you can’t celebrate it with the person you started the journey with. That is heartbreak.

Separation

17 Oct

Yep. J and I are separating. That’s the plan, anyway. It was my decision. He is actually being very supportive. We will see if I can stick to my decision…

Fuming

11 Jan

Ya’ll know about J’s chronic pain issues. We’ve been dealing with them for six years. He’s been on some hardcore drugs. They have totally fucked with his brain and body. You also know my stance on marijuana use from this post.

So there was a period of time this fall that J had some pot and I knew about it. And he was actually really, really productive. It was the only pain relief method that would actually enable him to get off his ass and get stuff done around the house. So, despite my feelings about it, I supported him when we wanted to get his medical marijuana card in December. (We had a huge fight about the way he actually went about getting it, but that is a different post.) So he got it. Then in January (because of Christmas) he finally got some pot. It was supposed to last a month. He spent $100. It lasted 7 days. (Yes, he has been in an extreme amount of pain the past few months…the doctor even put him on freaking morphine.)

So fast forward to last night. He’s out of pot, the morphine isn’t doing anything, and he is supposed to take the kids into the “big city” tomorrow (today) to the dentist. He asked me if he could get some more. I told him (nicely) that I just didn’t know how that would work since he would have the kids and we have agreed that we don’t want them knowing what’s going on yet.

So today, he asks me again and I tell him no again. I even tell him he can make the same drive tomorrow (80 miles one way), by himself, and get it. So a few minutes ago I called him to check in, see how the appointments went, etc. Then he told me has an appointment with the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow morning and I asked if he was going into the city to get some more pot (God, it’s so weird that I am even semi-okay with him doing that). And what does he fucking tell me?????

He already got some. Today. With the kids.

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!!

Apparently he talked to Miss Tween and explained the situation to her (which we agreed we would do together, when the time was right) and the kids “hid” (what the hell does that even mean?!) while he had some dispensary jerkoff meet him in the parking lot at Safeway to deal him some pot. Who fucking cares if he did it legally?! Welcome to your first drug deal, kids. Parent of the Fucking Year Award goes to J…

I honestly don’t even know what to say. He knows how big of a deal it was for me to “support” the idea of him being a cardholder. He knows I hate it. He knows how I feel about the kids knowing about it right now. And he goes and does this behind my back?! Oh you can bet your ass this is coming up in couples counseling next week.

I am so disappointed right now. I honestly feel like if I give him an inch, he takes a mile. And he will always be like this. I try to compromise with him and meet him in the middle on things and then he totally destroys my trust like that.

My totally selfish “Top 10 of 2011″

10 Jan

My totally selfish, top ten list of 2011…in no particular order…

~ Going to Washington, D.C. for the first time
~ Climbing a 263-foot wind turbine
~ Winning a regional award for work and going to Dallas to accept it
~ Getting a huge raise at work
~ Spending time getting to know my SIL
~ Discovering Bodypump
~ Started running
~ Went to visit my little brother in Arkansas
~ Found two amazing new friends
~ Realized that I need to work on “me” and continue to try to do so every day

2011 was a good year. What about you? Can you come up with 10 totally selfish “Top 10 Things for 2011″? Why is it so hard to come up with SELFISH ones? Lol. :)

Just like old times…

9 Jan

We had a counseling session today. The therapist gave us a “homework” assignment that we totally forgot to do over the weekend…oops! We were supposed to write our goals for therapy and things that are acceptable for each of us to do during an argument and things that are unacceptable for each of us (individually) to do during an argument. Things were going pretty well and then J said – “I feel like you make fun of me and belittle me all the time.”

Seriously?

Does he not “get” my smart-ass attitude that he’s had to deal with for the past almost nine years? And honestly – my calling him out on certain things (like how he never helps around the house and loses all of his belongings) is really belittling him?! This, from the man who has called me a cunt on more than one occasion…

I am freaking frustrated right now. He takes offense to everything I say. I don’t know how to tell him ANYTHING without him responding, “Oh, so I’m just a fucking idiot then?” Really?! Is that what I said? Did I just call you a fucking idiot? No, no I didn’t. If you’re going to put words in my mouth maybe I’ll just say you ARE a fucking idiot next time.

My last post was on July 6. July 6! Wow. A lot has happened since then. Things with J are generally better, but we’re still on the roller coaster. I’m not sure if that makes me committed or stupid because I started blogging in January 2011 to try to document my life so it would be easier to make some decisions about it. Things are definitely more stressful. J is on FMLA through work – his shoulder, neck, and back are hurting him a lot more these days. He’s trying to get approved for vocational rehabilitation through the VA. He’s really depressed lately.

I have stopped going to school for nursing. One look at my $75,000 in student loans and I was like hell no…I can’t keep doing this. Since I got my big raise at work, I think it’s a good decision for now.

My sister-in-law came and stayed with us for 8 weeks this summer. That definitely put a financial and emotional stress on us as well. She moved back home in August.

Two of my close friends are separated from their husbands. Seriously, is ANYONE happily married?! They are going through hell. But in a way…I’m envious. They did the hard part – they aren’t living with their husbands anymore. They both have kids (2 girls for one, 3 boys for the other) and everyone has adjusted to two households. They’re “rediscovering” themselves and having fun. Yes, I’m envious.

On a brighter note, my girlfriends and I are planning a summer birthday bash in Vegas. One of my friends and I will turn 30 a week apart from each other. We went to Vegas together when I turned 21. A group of 10+ girls are going…it’s going to be SO MUCH FUN! I was shocked that J said I could go…we’ll see how he is with it when I actually go.

I didn’t see much of the gym this summer. With my sister-in-law here and us living on a river, I just couldn’t bring myself to go very much. I’ve started up again and hope to lose about 10 pounds by our trip to Vegas in July. That would put me at my high school weight…smaller than I’ve been since then.

God it felt good to get these words out. Not sure if I’m back to blogging…but for now, I hope you stick around. Sorry for just jumping right back in. I figured that people didn’t really want to know the details about why I stopped blogging or what I’ve been doing since then. So hopefully this update is good enough.

Independence Day

6 Jul

What a difference a year makes…

4th of July, 2010. J and I (and the kids) went camping with some friends of mine. It was our first time camping as a family (lame, I know). The whole time, J was being antisocial, hanging out only at our campsite and not around my friends. We had brought our two dogs with us, so his excuse was that he had to stay with them. He was also drinking…a lot. The fireworks were down on the river about 10 minutes from where we were camping. On the way down there, J and I were fighting because he had put off a quiz for school and was going to try to take it while watching fireworks. At this point, he was also thoroughly trashed and at the ASSHOLE stage. Wi-fi wouldn’t work where we were sitting and so that pissed him off that he couldn’t take his quiz. By the time the fireworks started, I was getting pissed because he was making an ass out of himself and he was being a complete dick. I can remember sitting there, in the dark, with the fireworks going off above us. He was inches from my face, saying over and over again. “What the fuck is wrong? Why are you so pissed at me? What did I do?” It got to the point where I punched him in the face to get him away from me. Tears were streaming down my face. We fought all the way back to the truck. When we got to the truck, he wouldn’t give me the keys. I was not letting him drive me or the kids back to the campsite. He absolutely refused to give me the keys. So I called the cops on him. At that point, he threw the keys at me and we went back to the campsite. The scene at the campsite was horrible. The kids were crying. J was out of control. He got so pissed he punched the mirror of the truck and shattered it. He got blood all over the tent. I tried calling my little brother to see if he could come get me and the kids, but he wasn’t around. So we stayed the night there. It was one of the worst nights ever.

4th of July, 2011. As we were sitting on the grass with our picnic dinner, waiting for the fireworks to start, I was in awe about the stark difference between this year and last. We packed sandwiches, strawberries, a blanket, lawn chairs, and the dog (only one this year!). We arrived a couple of hours early and just hung out until the fireworks started. It was a relaxing time…one for the memory bank. The kids had fun. No drama.

I can only hope that next year is as good, or even better.

Popping the therapy cherry…

14 Jun

So this week I saw our therapist by myself. The plan is for us to go once a month together, and once a month individually. The thought is that she (“A”) can help guide some of our conversations in a neutral way, without J and I taking offense or acting defensively.

The first words out of my mouth were, “Well, I don’t really feel like I have any personal issues other than issues with my marriage.” Ha! The next 45 minutes were spent recounting stories of my childhood, my relationship with my parents, my relationship with my brother, how being adopted from Korea has influenced me, etc. She made me realize that I do have some issues with my childhood. Like…

#1 – I have vivid memories of being about ten, my dad working away for the summer, and my mom being really drunk and saying over and over how I don’t love her, she’s not a good mom, etc. I can remember this happening every summer that my dad worked away. I can remember always feeling weird that I had to reassure my mom (the ADULT) that I did in fact love her. (Hmm…sounds kinda like me reassuring my husband all the time that I do love him.)

#2 – My parents being alcoholics had an impact on me. My mom was well-behaved, happy, loving, etc. in public but could not handle things once we got home. My dad is the way he is…I honestly believe he is bipolar and has the emotional maturity of my ten-year-old. That being said, they’re still my parents and I still love them. (Hmm…and whaddya know, I married an alcoholic!)

#3 – I am RESPONSIBLE to a fault. Now, this may seem kind of ironic since I did get pregnant when I was 17 and had a child out of wedlock when I was 18. But I’ve always been the responsible one…the one who got good grades, the one who worked since she was 14 years old, the one who played sports, the one who took care of her little brother in the summertime so her parents didn’t have to pay for daycare, the one who pushed the limits but didn’t push them too far…that’s me. Even when I got pregnant, I was like, “Okay, abortion is not an option. I’m going to do this and I’m going to keep my scholarships to GU and I’m going to go to a Catholic, private university next year as a single mom.” (And today, I’m the responsible one…the one who makes sure the house is clean, the one who is working FT and going to school FT to provide a better life for her family, the one who wishes her husband would act like an adult sometimes…)

So saying I don’t have issues is totally a lie. :) Toward the end of the session, I got into the three big things that I am unhappy with in regard to my marriage.

#1 – The name calling and hurtful words

#2 – The drinking. (Even though it doesn’t happen very often, I don’t like what happens when it does.)

#3 – The weed. Actually, the thing about this is that the lying and sneaking around bother me more than anything else. But I also am against the weed thing…

So we’ll see. J saw “A” today by himself and we haven’t really gotten a chance to see how that went. I hope this helps us. One day at a time…

Friday Five

3 Jun

Friday Five – Five random things going on in my life right now…

#1 – Our first therapy session went pretty well. It was actually the third or fourth time we had seen this particular counselor, but the last time was probably two years ago. We scratched the surface on some issues. The plan is for J to see her individually next week, then me, then us together…lather, rinse, repeat.

#2 – I’m rethinking my decision to get into a nursing program next year. Going to school full-time, working full-time, and being a mommy full-time (not to mention trying to blog!) has taken a lot out of me lately. So I could slow down a bit and give myself an extra year…but that is an extra year away from my goal, so I don’t know yet.

#3 – J’s car is out of commission currently. Some sensor thing is broken. That car was the biggest damn mistake ever. (2008 Subaru WRX that he’s beat the shit out of, and we owe more than the damn thing is worth!)

#4 – I haven’t been to the gym in like two weeks, and before that it was sporadic as well because of my schedule. I am deprived…

#5 – We might be moving! I’ve posted about our insanely crappy living situation before. If you’ve missed those posts, we might be going from 800 sf to 1,700…and two bedrooms to four! I’m keeping my fingers crossed…we need to get some things in line financially and I’m not sure if we’ll be able to do it.

That’s it for me! What about you all? I know you’ve been up to things way more exciting than me… ☺

Updates

25 May

It’s freaking hard to maintain this secret blogging lifestyle, lol. If it takes me a few days to respond to comments, I’m sorry…but know that I’m reading them and cherishing all of them. :)

Let’s see…last weekend we had another “talk”…this time he brought up separation. He said he did it because he knew I wouldn’t make the decision. This was one of those 3-hr long conversations that I’m going to try to sum up in one little paragraph because I only have about 20 minutes, lol. Basically, I told him that we have a hard time learning lessons (with a lot of things). And that my fear is that the only way we are really going to change is if we separate. But at the same time, I didn’t want to make that big decision without doing what we said we were going to do…go back to therapy. I did tell him that I wasn’t sure if I was holding on for the right reasons or the wrong ones. He told me he wants me to be happy, whether or not I’m with him. He told me he doesn’t think I want to be happy with him anymore.

Today he told me he was willing to go back to the first counselor we saw, which is huge. I really connected with her and he didn’t. I felt that she pushed us and actually got to the heart of things. (I kinda felt like she was taking my side to be honest, so I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing.) Anyway, he said that he was willing to try again with her, and that he would keep an open mind. We agreed that we would see her once a month alone and once a month together, so I asked if he was comfortable seeing her alone and he said yes. We’ll see.

He hasn’t worked since April because he had another surgery and he probably won’t go back to work until July so that has definitely added some stress. He’s been stir-crazy but yet can’t do anything because of his post-surgery instructions. Then there’s the financial stress of course.

We’re trying to move. Our living situation sucks, to say the least. We’re a family of five living in about 800 sf, in my grandma’s old house which really just needs to be condemned. Yes, the rent is free, but it’s 2 bedroom/1 bathroom and it’s falling apart. This was supposed to be a temporary situation…and that was two years ago. So that’s another stress.

He will be getting his Associates degree this June and wants to continue on with his Bachelors. That’s all fine and good, but he has changed his mind so many times about his major. And honestly, I was going to try to use the last year of his GI Bill for when I get into the nursing program and have to quit working. Now he wants to do Homeland Security/Border Patrol. The good news is that this isn’t totally out in left field. He did this sort of thing in the Coast Guard. I just don’t know if physically he can do it. Like I said, he looks totally fit…but he is a 60% disabled veteran. So we’ll see.

Anyways, I need to get going but this is what’s been going on in my life this week. And holy shit, my 2yo just stuck his finger in his diaper and now it’s covered in shit….the joys of being a mommy. :)

Socionomics

24 May

Pretty cool video. Check out the stat that 1 in 8 married couples in the US met via social media.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.