My marriage has been especially shitty lately. I’ve been confused, scared, unsure of what to do. I keep thinking, “Well, J just had surgery so I can’t leave him right now.” And then I think, “Wait, my cousin is going to be visiting from Texas in a few days and so we can’t split up now.” And then I think, “Oh, and J’s nephew is supposed to be staying with us for three weeks so how would that work if we were separated?”
Shit! I just have to realize that there’s never going to be a good time. If I’m going to do it, it’s never going to be “convenient”. The fucking logistics of it all (as I mentioned before — custody, living situation, finances, family relationships, etc.) are going to be hell. But for some reason I just can’t bite the bullet. I am having a hard time throwing away eight years…
Can people really change? And…the bigger question…is all that fucking work really worth it all in the end???
Hmn I recall those same things…after so and so’s wedding, then the birthday party, then the Holidays. oh those are the worst, fucking holidays. it is never a good time.
I know what you mean. Ok I can leave after Sam’s graduation, well it would probably be better if I left after his 18th birthday, then again maybe I should see if I can hang on through Christmas this year. I totally play that game in my head too. There will never be a “good time” but when the time is right it doesn’t matter if it’s good or not. I think ultimately the freedom will be worth the initial discomfort and challenges we will face. I’m starting to think that my “go” date is going to come mid-June (after graduation but before Sam’s 18th). We’ll see.
I’m here in your online cheering section, whenever your “go” date is. Or if you stay and work it out. Either way I’m rooting for you. Sometimes going through counseling and trying to work on things can help you come to the realization of whether or not it is worth saving. I don’t think it is wasted effort if it helps you learn what you need to know to make the decisions you can live with. We went through a tiny bit of counseling together, and I still go alone. Counseling is what helped me come to grips with the fact that I need to pull the plug.
Hang in there! Good luck!!
Laura, I wish you the best of luck. I was thinking of a “go” date in my head too. At this point, we’re not financially able to support two households so that weighs on me. That’s another reason I am pursuing a change of career (nursing) so that I can be financially able to take care of my kids without any questions. I really, really appreciate the support.
Hugs.
I don’t know if people change, honestly. I feel like once you hit a certain place in your marriage, there really is no turning back. I remember when my ex told me he wanted a divorce, it was like suddenly the switch flipped and I didn’t love him anymore (because of the hurt he was causing and the distrust created) and from there, there really was no other option in my mind but to let him and our marriage go. In your case, being somewhat on the other side of this, I go back to my original…I don’t know if people change. I would like to think so, but sometimes it’s just too late. Hang in there…
I feel like (and maybe this is me sticking up for him when I shouldn’t) that some of this is not J’s fault. I mean, his body is failing him (even though he’s in amazing shape and totally fit on the outside…you can’t tell on the inside all of the things that are wrong with him) and he’ll be 32 in July. He was basically on street legal heroin for three years with all of the painkillers he was on. They’ve definitely impacted him psychologically. He’s not on them anymore but the damage has been done. So in a way, I would feel like a horrible person leaving him for reasons that were beyond his control. On the other hand, I don’t think it’s fair for me to stay with him if things don’t improve.