So this week I saw our therapist by myself. The plan is for us to go once a month together, and once a month individually. The thought is that she (“A”) can help guide some of our conversations in a neutral way, without J and I taking offense or acting defensively.
The first words out of my mouth were, “Well, I don’t really feel like I have any personal issues other than issues with my marriage.” Ha! The next 45 minutes were spent recounting stories of my childhood, my relationship with my parents, my relationship with my brother, how being adopted from Korea has influenced me, etc. She made me realize that I do have some issues with my childhood. Like…
#1 – I have vivid memories of being about ten, my dad working away for the summer, and my mom being really drunk and saying over and over how I don’t love her, she’s not a good mom, etc. I can remember this happening every summer that my dad worked away. I can remember always feeling weird that I had to reassure my mom (the ADULT) that I did in fact love her. (Hmm…sounds kinda like me reassuring my husband all the time that I do love him.)
#2 – My parents being alcoholics had an impact on me. My mom was well-behaved, happy, loving, etc. in public but could not handle things once we got home. My dad is the way he is…I honestly believe he is bipolar and has the emotional maturity of my ten-year-old. That being said, they’re still my parents and I still love them. (Hmm…and whaddya know, I married an alcoholic!)
#3 – I am RESPONSIBLE to a fault. Now, this may seem kind of ironic since I did get pregnant when I was 17 and had a child out of wedlock when I was 18. But I’ve always been the responsible one…the one who got good grades, the one who worked since she was 14 years old, the one who played sports, the one who took care of her little brother in the summertime so her parents didn’t have to pay for daycare, the one who pushed the limits but didn’t push them too far…that’s me. Even when I got pregnant, I was like, “Okay, abortion is not an option. I’m going to do this and I’m going to keep my scholarships to GU and I’m going to go to a Catholic, private university next year as a single mom.” (And today, I’m the responsible one…the one who makes sure the house is clean, the one who is working FT and going to school FT to provide a better life for her family, the one who wishes her husband would act like an adult sometimes…)
So saying I don’t have issues is totally a lie. Toward the end of the session, I got into the three big things that I am unhappy with in regard to my marriage.
#1 – The name calling and hurtful words
#2 – The drinking. (Even though it doesn’t happen very often, I don’t like what happens when it does.)
#3 – The weed. Actually, the thing about this is that the lying and sneaking around bother me more than anything else. But I also am against the weed thing…
So we’ll see. J saw “A” today by himself and we haven’t really gotten a chance to see how that went. I hope this helps us. One day at a time…